Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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