I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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