I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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