K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
