i think my tv is drunk
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
