I want to have your abortion
Someone shit on the floor
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
