I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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