If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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