One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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