His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
