If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
