dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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