i don't like sucking hair
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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