I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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