I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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