I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's shark week go big or go home
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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