Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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