After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
