i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
