just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
