even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
