he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This house was built for laser tag.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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