He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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