it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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