He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
two words: eviction party
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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