i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
