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Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
