he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
