This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
