Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
