awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
