I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
