Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize