TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
