the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
