sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize