Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
