What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize