My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
