Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
