we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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