There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize