Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
