shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
