I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
