I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
