I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
