apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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