nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
