i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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