Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
