My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
