There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
