she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think your dad took our porno
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
