Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
