Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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