So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
